Saturday February 5th, 2011

So its settled, im getting the HTC Inspire. Im getting pretty psyched about it too.

Im also getting nervous about taking my NY State licensing test. I know I shouldn't be but im not the best test taker.

I need to remind myself that im having my taxes done Monday. That's good, I should get a nice refund this year.

Its raining, at least its not snowing.

Friday February 4th, 2011

Another cold morning. I am using Fancy Widget Pro, but just for the weather & its dead on.

I'm a little upset that HTC only put in a 1250mAh battery in the Inspire. It did come back that Seidio has an extended OEM fitting battery in the works.

I still think ill get the phone. Normally I wouldn't, the Aria has been a workhorse but I need a larger screen.

May 12, 2010 @ 11:26pm

How do you know where you should be in life? I turn 34 this year. Some friends are married, other are single. Right now none are engaged, or as I like to call it, inbetween, How do you know you found the right person in life? Why do so many people get divorced? Did pre-baby boomers just stay together because they were married?

I am happy, I am in love but sometimes I feel like I let people down. When you take the next step, you can have down days, but if I take myself down, I really effect someone elses life. Thats a scary though, ya know?

I have lived on my own, or with my ex for a long time. Living in NYC was great but the relationship was sour. We were together for all the wrong reasons. This has happened twice and thank god none of them made it to the next level. I know this one will if I continue the route I am going on. I know its positive, I just have to remember that.

How do you know you will love the same person in 2, 5 or 20 years? Both of my parents are in their second marriage and they are happier their second time around. Who the fuck wants to go through that. Then I have an ex who is under 30, divorced and has a child. She misses out on a lot of things, but when she is my age, her son will be able to do what he wants and she can have a life. Its almost the reverse of what most people do.

Anyway, I am looking for an apartment this week and next week. The job is going well and I guess life is good. I need to focus on reality a little more.

May 6, 2010 @ 6:51pm

It's been a while....

New job has been an adjustment. Its strange to see residents that were in other facilities I worked in over the years. It doesn't say too much about them and staying clean, or maybe it doesn't say too much about the job we do as counselors.

I have no desk, no computer, etc. I am grateful for the job and I have settled in, but I don't know why they had me start before these things were in place. Its not fair to me and its not fair to my clients. I have to do therapy sessions in odd places and its not fair to anyone plus we really are breaking confidentiality.

I am trying to not let it eat me up. I held it in all week but I see myself taking it out on loved ones after work and apologizing. Thank god I see my therapist tomorrow, I need to vent some more.

Thoughts of numbing myself jump in my head but I don't want to end up back in the seats opposite my imaginary desk, sitting in a rehab again for the, well lets just say again.

I am far from perfect like I say, but I am not getting any younger....

April 27, 2010 @ 2:07pm

Nobody by Shel Silverstein

Nobody Loves Me,
Nobody Cares,
Nobody picks me peaches and pears.
Nobody offers me candy and Cokes,
Nobody listens and laughs at my jokes
Nobody helps when I get in a fight,
Nobody does all mu homework at night.
Nobody misses me
Nobody Cries,
Nobody thinks i'm a wonderful guy
So if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz,
I'll stand up and tell you that Nobody is.
But yesterday night I got quite a scare,
I woke up and Nobody just wasn't there.
I called out and reached out for Nobody's hand,
In the darkness where Nobody usually stands.
Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook,
But I found somebody each place that I looked.
I searched till I'm tired and now with the dawn,
There's no doubt about it -
Nobody's gone!

April 26, 2010 @ 3:55pm

So I found out today I got the job I wanted. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am trying not to let my anxiety get the best of me, its a tough job in itself. I have to go in Wednesday and will out all the paperwork and get my start date. Just more idle time as life moves forward.

I have some things I need to do. I need to get a Mother's day present. I actually know what I am getting her this year so that will be nice and I think she will enjoy it. Also, I decided that I want a tattoo. I really didn't know what or where I wanted one, but I think I want it where my forearm meets my bicep. Kind of an homage to my past and to what I do for a living now.

Hopefully getting this job sets more positive things in motion. I need a new apartment and I need some clarity, or maybe that word is sanity. Who knows, I surely don't.

Oh, I also need to get rid of my shitty Phish tickets for 1st night Jones Beach and get a Orchestra pair. I am in the orchestra second night so thats set. I will also have Friday and Saturday off at this job so I was thinking of maybe hitting up a show somewhere else where I can travel Thursday night or Friday morning. That sounds good.

I like the rain, its likes nature's xanax.

April 24 @ 8:24pm

I am watching The Simpsons and its kind of a depressing episode tonight. My anxiety is kicking up about this new job, this should be an interesting evening.

Japan is another place I really want to go. I feel like I would love the light, the technology, the food and the cultures. I really didn't have any Japanese friends growing up, just Chinese and Korean. I still think London is a best first destination because it lets me adapt to another culture, but easily since it is similar to ours, especially living in NYC most of my life. I think once I have a taste of Europe, Japan would be great. My brother lives in Italy yet I never had any desire to go to Italy or France.

I had a nice evening last night. I was surprised, not by the company but that I have issolated myself into depression over the past year. I really think if I get this job, other positive things will start to happen. I need to find an apartment with Brie and who knows how that will go with both location and finances.

Sunday night I usually really want to get high, Its nice to know that I actually have some consequential thinking on my part, Too much to lose and I have used all of my strikes. I was basically robbed this weekend and in the long run, I am happy it happened. It made me realize the bullshit that I put myself through just to take me out of my element. I don't need this, I am too old for the bullshit and the money needs to be going to places like an apartment and a vacation.

For the first time in a long time I can say that I am happy. Certain situations could be better but I just have to be grateful for what I do have.