Nobody by Shel Silverstein
Nobody Loves Me,
Nobody Cares,
Nobody picks me peaches and pears.
Nobody offers me candy and Cokes,
Nobody listens and laughs at my jokes
Nobody helps when I get in a fight,
Nobody does all mu homework at night.
Nobody misses me
Nobody Cries,
Nobody thinks i'm a wonderful guy
So if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz,
I'll stand up and tell you that Nobody is.
But yesterday night I got quite a scare,
I woke up and Nobody just wasn't there.
I called out and reached out for Nobody's hand,
In the darkness where Nobody usually stands.
Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook,
But I found somebody each place that I looked.
I searched till I'm tired and now with the dawn,
There's no doubt about it -
Nobody's gone!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
April 26, 2010 @ 3:55pm
So I found out today I got the job I wanted. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am trying not to let my anxiety get the best of me, its a tough job in itself. I have to go in Wednesday and will out all the paperwork and get my start date. Just more idle time as life moves forward.
I have some things I need to do. I need to get a Mother's day present. I actually know what I am getting her this year so that will be nice and I think she will enjoy it. Also, I decided that I want a tattoo. I really didn't know what or where I wanted one, but I think I want it where my forearm meets my bicep. Kind of an homage to my past and to what I do for a living now.
Hopefully getting this job sets more positive things in motion. I need a new apartment and I need some clarity, or maybe that word is sanity. Who knows, I surely don't.
Oh, I also need to get rid of my shitty Phish tickets for 1st night Jones Beach and get a Orchestra pair. I am in the orchestra second night so thats set. I will also have Friday and Saturday off at this job so I was thinking of maybe hitting up a show somewhere else where I can travel Thursday night or Friday morning. That sounds good.
I like the rain, its likes nature's xanax.
I have some things I need to do. I need to get a Mother's day present. I actually know what I am getting her this year so that will be nice and I think she will enjoy it. Also, I decided that I want a tattoo. I really didn't know what or where I wanted one, but I think I want it where my forearm meets my bicep. Kind of an homage to my past and to what I do for a living now.
Hopefully getting this job sets more positive things in motion. I need a new apartment and I need some clarity, or maybe that word is sanity. Who knows, I surely don't.
Oh, I also need to get rid of my shitty Phish tickets for 1st night Jones Beach and get a Orchestra pair. I am in the orchestra second night so thats set. I will also have Friday and Saturday off at this job so I was thinking of maybe hitting up a show somewhere else where I can travel Thursday night or Friday morning. That sounds good.
I like the rain, its likes nature's xanax.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
April 24 @ 8:24pm
I am watching The Simpsons and its kind of a depressing episode tonight. My anxiety is kicking up about this new job, this should be an interesting evening.
Japan is another place I really want to go. I feel like I would love the light, the technology, the food and the cultures. I really didn't have any Japanese friends growing up, just Chinese and Korean. I still think London is a best first destination because it lets me adapt to another culture, but easily since it is similar to ours, especially living in NYC most of my life. I think once I have a taste of Europe, Japan would be great. My brother lives in Italy yet I never had any desire to go to Italy or France.
I had a nice evening last night. I was surprised, not by the company but that I have issolated myself into depression over the past year. I really think if I get this job, other positive things will start to happen. I need to find an apartment with Brie and who knows how that will go with both location and finances.
Sunday night I usually really want to get high, Its nice to know that I actually have some consequential thinking on my part, Too much to lose and I have used all of my strikes. I was basically robbed this weekend and in the long run, I am happy it happened. It made me realize the bullshit that I put myself through just to take me out of my element. I don't need this, I am too old for the bullshit and the money needs to be going to places like an apartment and a vacation.
For the first time in a long time I can say that I am happy. Certain situations could be better but I just have to be grateful for what I do have.
Japan is another place I really want to go. I feel like I would love the light, the technology, the food and the cultures. I really didn't have any Japanese friends growing up, just Chinese and Korean. I still think London is a best first destination because it lets me adapt to another culture, but easily since it is similar to ours, especially living in NYC most of my life. I think once I have a taste of Europe, Japan would be great. My brother lives in Italy yet I never had any desire to go to Italy or France.
I had a nice evening last night. I was surprised, not by the company but that I have issolated myself into depression over the past year. I really think if I get this job, other positive things will start to happen. I need to find an apartment with Brie and who knows how that will go with both location and finances.
Sunday night I usually really want to get high, Its nice to know that I actually have some consequential thinking on my part, Too much to lose and I have used all of my strikes. I was basically robbed this weekend and in the long run, I am happy it happened. It made me realize the bullshit that I put myself through just to take me out of my element. I don't need this, I am too old for the bullshit and the money needs to be going to places like an apartment and a vacation.
For the first time in a long time I can say that I am happy. Certain situations could be better but I just have to be grateful for what I do have.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Saturday April 24 @ 1:26pm
As I wait for Brie to get ready to go out, I realize that I have been told by 3 people today so far how nice it is outside. I really don't think the weather plays any part on my mood. I think I am just as happy with the weather if it is chilly and light snow starts falling. I am not a shorts kind of guy, as it is I am wearing jeans and flip flops.
Also, weekends just don't excite me. From ages 15 to 30, every night was a weekend and now I feel like life can be boring. I don't mean the company I am with, I just don't get excited to do anything. I think I need to go away to recharge my internal battery and maybe that would help. I need to start a list but I know I would never finish it. My anxiety would just take me on a tangent and my brain would be on the next thing and the list would have 3 things written tops.
London. I would like to go to London. I love clothing and I love New York City. I also like gloomy weather. They tell me that London has all of these things. I will try to think of some others.
Cheers!
Also, weekends just don't excite me. From ages 15 to 30, every night was a weekend and now I feel like life can be boring. I don't mean the company I am with, I just don't get excited to do anything. I think I need to go away to recharge my internal battery and maybe that would help. I need to start a list but I know I would never finish it. My anxiety would just take me on a tangent and my brain would be on the next thing and the list would have 3 things written tops.
London. I would like to go to London. I love clothing and I love New York City. I also like gloomy weather. They tell me that London has all of these things. I will try to think of some others.
Cheers!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
April 23 @ 2:15am
WebMD has an article in their Health & Sex section. Its titled '10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex'.
"The health benefits of sex extend well beyond the bedroom. Turns out sex is good for you in ways you may never have imagined."
1. Sex Relives Stress.
*Sex lowers blood pressure and overall stress reduction - among other things.
2. Sex Boosts Immunity.
*Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.
3. Sex Burns Calories.
*Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.
4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health.
*Researchers found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.
5. Sex Boosts Self Esteem
*One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves. Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it.
6. Sex Improves Intimacy.
*Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust.
7. Sex Reduces Pain.
*As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.
8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk.
*Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life, men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.
9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles.
*For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you'll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.
10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better.
*The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, according to research.
http://bit.ly/lwT2X
You Can Also Follow Me On Twitter. Twitter/maevro
"The health benefits of sex extend well beyond the bedroom. Turns out sex is good for you in ways you may never have imagined."
1. Sex Relives Stress.
*Sex lowers blood pressure and overall stress reduction - among other things.
2. Sex Boosts Immunity.
*Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.
3. Sex Burns Calories.
*Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.
4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health.
*Researchers found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.
5. Sex Boosts Self Esteem
*One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves. Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it.
6. Sex Improves Intimacy.
*Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust.
7. Sex Reduces Pain.
*As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.
8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk.
*Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life, men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.
9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles.
*For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you'll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.
10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better.
*The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, according to research.
http://bit.ly/lwT2X
You Can Also Follow Me On Twitter. Twitter/maevro
Friday April 23 @ 12:01am
So I am up, can't sleep. The irony is that I want to get high while waiting for a job working in a rehab. I guess this tests my strength. My therapist has me on xanax xr and ambien so I will take something to sleep and try to relax. I got high all my life for a whole list of reasons, mostly anxiety and to calm the voices in my head.
I am also watching the Simpsons. This is a show I have been watching religiously since it began on Tracy Ullman and never stopped. Its hard to believe that a group of people from Harvard write this show, with guests inbetween here and there like Conan O'Brien. It was such a quality show that went downhill but recently it has picked up. I guess with competition like Family Guy, Cleveland Show and South Park they needed to either shape up or just stop, sit back and collect syndication royalties.
I wish people understood addiction more. I really don't care about calling myself a junkie, or if others call me a junkie, its just that its scary that I feel like I will want to get high everyday for the rest of my life. I talk to people in recovery and its scary when people tell me that they have 17 years clean but think about using all the time. I guess you really have to evaluate whats most important. I am sick of being arrested in the past, I hate detox centers, I hate rehabs even more and nothing was worse than a therapeutic community. I am lucky not to be in jail or dead and I should know that, but I don't think about it often enough.
Hmm, let's go on a tangent. I think I am enjoying my new phone, a Nokia X6. I am jaded when it comes to phones. I like the fact that no carrier sells it and I had to buy it unlocked through Nokia directly. I think thats my biggest gripe with the iPhone, they are all the same. I like to change things around, making Windows Mobile the best for that, but until WinMo 7 is fully released, lets stay away from there.
I can't stick on one topic tonight, sorry. My mind is racing and jumping from thought to thought. Where has life gone? I am turning 34 this year and its scary. I know I am not old, but I am not young. I always took the easy way out and now when I work, I work my ass off. I know that one day I will have to work for myself, or have a partner because its difficult to take orders from someone else.
I haven't been watching the NHL or NBA playoffs this year. I should be, especially the Penguins and the Capitals. One of them should end up in the finals, both having the 2 best players in the league. Crosby reminds me of Gretzky while Ovechkin reminds me of Mario Lemieux. Personally, I believe that if Lemieux never had his health issues, he would easily be the best hockey player of all time.
Thats enough rant for tonight, goodnight folks.
I am also watching the Simpsons. This is a show I have been watching religiously since it began on Tracy Ullman and never stopped. Its hard to believe that a group of people from Harvard write this show, with guests inbetween here and there like Conan O'Brien. It was such a quality show that went downhill but recently it has picked up. I guess with competition like Family Guy, Cleveland Show and South Park they needed to either shape up or just stop, sit back and collect syndication royalties.
I wish people understood addiction more. I really don't care about calling myself a junkie, or if others call me a junkie, its just that its scary that I feel like I will want to get high everyday for the rest of my life. I talk to people in recovery and its scary when people tell me that they have 17 years clean but think about using all the time. I guess you really have to evaluate whats most important. I am sick of being arrested in the past, I hate detox centers, I hate rehabs even more and nothing was worse than a therapeutic community. I am lucky not to be in jail or dead and I should know that, but I don't think about it often enough.
Hmm, let's go on a tangent. I think I am enjoying my new phone, a Nokia X6. I am jaded when it comes to phones. I like the fact that no carrier sells it and I had to buy it unlocked through Nokia directly. I think thats my biggest gripe with the iPhone, they are all the same. I like to change things around, making Windows Mobile the best for that, but until WinMo 7 is fully released, lets stay away from there.
I can't stick on one topic tonight, sorry. My mind is racing and jumping from thought to thought. Where has life gone? I am turning 34 this year and its scary. I know I am not old, but I am not young. I always took the easy way out and now when I work, I work my ass off. I know that one day I will have to work for myself, or have a partner because its difficult to take orders from someone else.
I haven't been watching the NHL or NBA playoffs this year. I should be, especially the Penguins and the Capitals. One of them should end up in the finals, both having the 2 best players in the league. Crosby reminds me of Gretzky while Ovechkin reminds me of Mario Lemieux. Personally, I believe that if Lemieux never had his health issues, he would easily be the best hockey player of all time.
Thats enough rant for tonight, goodnight folks.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Happiness Is A Warm Blanket
So I work in a residential treatment facility for substance abuse. In the North East, Heroin still is king. I know that mostly everywhere else Meth has taken over, but while its around, heroin is cheap and powerful.
I love how parents wonder how their children become addicted to opiates and opioids. Almost every parents has some kind of pain killer in their medicine cabinet that just sit there over time. Humans in general are curious creatures. Not all will take some of the pills, but a good amount will. Most of the time they are pain killers like percocet, vicodin, darvocet and ultram. They are low to mid grade pain killers mixed with acetaminophen. Some hate the feeling, others love it.
Then you have the adults who have the serious pain killers laying around like oxycodone, dilaudid, fentanyl and morphine. These are all pain killers that are on that next level and really have the same chemical compound as heroin.
Stigma. If I take a few pills of oxycontin and get high, this fits into what kids do. What parents don't realize that there is no difference to the human brain between heroin and oxycontin. It starts off as a weekend party and tolerance fits in. Soon, its an everyday thing and that supply in your parents bathroom isn't going to last forever. OC is an expensive drug, so now they start with trying heroin. East Coast heroin comes from places like Afghanistan and is so pure and cheap, it can be found almost anywhere. On the West Coast, you still see a ton of Mexican heroin, which is in tar form. Tar needs to be injected or smoked. East Coast powder also can be injected or smoked, but most commonly it is railed nasally through the nose. No smell of burning tar, no needles, just a quick line and you are good to go.
Deaths continue to rise and funding continues to fall. This is something I will never understand. I can get a bag of heroin for less money than a pack of cigarettes. There are so many conspiracy theories that go around to why more isn't done to combat this epidemic. Since the 1960's, addicts who wanted to get clean were given methadone. While methadone is synthetic, it is a safe drug, dispensed at a clinic under supervision and its stops addicts from getting arrested, overdosing and sharing needles. Most methadone patients are on it for decades. Pain Managements physicians also dispense methadone to patients who are terminal, especially cancer patients. It is a very cheap drug to manufacture and your State and Government see a lot of money on the back end of this.
Recently you have other options like Suboxone and Subutex. I will get into these new treatments at another time. All of this heroin talk is making me want to use. I am in recovery for heroin. I will always want to use it, but at this point in my life, I have too much to lose. I have buried friends because of heroin, ruined friendships and relationships and hurt family ties that still have never been fixed years later.
My advice. Check your medicine cabinet. Maybe you can stop your child from an easy way to get high. On the other hand, you also might find a while array of drugs that might open up a while new world to you. Pandora's box will always be there. The thing with a medicine cabinet is that when you close the cabinet door, you have to look at yourself in the mirror.
I love how parents wonder how their children become addicted to opiates and opioids. Almost every parents has some kind of pain killer in their medicine cabinet that just sit there over time. Humans in general are curious creatures. Not all will take some of the pills, but a good amount will. Most of the time they are pain killers like percocet, vicodin, darvocet and ultram. They are low to mid grade pain killers mixed with acetaminophen. Some hate the feeling, others love it.
Then you have the adults who have the serious pain killers laying around like oxycodone, dilaudid, fentanyl and morphine. These are all pain killers that are on that next level and really have the same chemical compound as heroin.
Stigma. If I take a few pills of oxycontin and get high, this fits into what kids do. What parents don't realize that there is no difference to the human brain between heroin and oxycontin. It starts off as a weekend party and tolerance fits in. Soon, its an everyday thing and that supply in your parents bathroom isn't going to last forever. OC is an expensive drug, so now they start with trying heroin. East Coast heroin comes from places like Afghanistan and is so pure and cheap, it can be found almost anywhere. On the West Coast, you still see a ton of Mexican heroin, which is in tar form. Tar needs to be injected or smoked. East Coast powder also can be injected or smoked, but most commonly it is railed nasally through the nose. No smell of burning tar, no needles, just a quick line and you are good to go.
Deaths continue to rise and funding continues to fall. This is something I will never understand. I can get a bag of heroin for less money than a pack of cigarettes. There are so many conspiracy theories that go around to why more isn't done to combat this epidemic. Since the 1960's, addicts who wanted to get clean were given methadone. While methadone is synthetic, it is a safe drug, dispensed at a clinic under supervision and its stops addicts from getting arrested, overdosing and sharing needles. Most methadone patients are on it for decades. Pain Managements physicians also dispense methadone to patients who are terminal, especially cancer patients. It is a very cheap drug to manufacture and your State and Government see a lot of money on the back end of this.
Recently you have other options like Suboxone and Subutex. I will get into these new treatments at another time. All of this heroin talk is making me want to use. I am in recovery for heroin. I will always want to use it, but at this point in my life, I have too much to lose. I have buried friends because of heroin, ruined friendships and relationships and hurt family ties that still have never been fixed years later.
My advice. Check your medicine cabinet. Maybe you can stop your child from an easy way to get high. On the other hand, you also might find a while array of drugs that might open up a while new world to you. Pandora's box will always be there. The thing with a medicine cabinet is that when you close the cabinet door, you have to look at yourself in the mirror.
April 19, 2010 @ 5pm
All of this talk about the new iPhone and HTC launching the incredible on every major mobile phone website. I remember when no one out of the industry knew who HTC were and now they are everywhere, even promoting their items in commercials.
Apple keeps screwing its followers. There never should have been a 2G iPhone. They baited everyone in and the following year they released the iPhone 3G. Of course, they saw everyone eat both versions up so they released the 3Gs. Don't get me wrong, it is a great piece of technology but Apple is laughing all the way all the way to the bank. Personally I am not an Apple user, but like clockwork, you are seeing 'leaked' pictures of the new iPhone. Oh and of course they did the same thing with the iPad. A huge majority of customers who ran to pick one up early will sell or give it away once the updated version arrives with 3G connectivity and the Apple smile grows even more.
I have been going back and forth from Nokia and Blackberry. Blackberry went from 4.xx to 5.xx in regards to their OS. Now you are getting leaks of 6.xx. As for Nokia, they have enhanced S60 from V3 to V5 and keep working on making V5 a better platform. Then you have Mameo, which is actually a really nice OS but is limited to the Nokia N900.
Windows Mobile.....Well I once hung on to everything they said. Now I really just don't care. Maybe when WinMo 7 arrives and the bugs are worked out, they will level the playing field. Thats just a wait and see scenario.
Palm created a huge amount of buzz with WebOS but the majority of the public was let down.
Every phone works for someone. There is no perfect phone and I dont think there will ever be. Find what works for you and have some fun with it. Voice technology hasn't changed much in 10 years but data has done backflips. I find phones fun and its a huge business.
Apple keeps screwing its followers. There never should have been a 2G iPhone. They baited everyone in and the following year they released the iPhone 3G. Of course, they saw everyone eat both versions up so they released the 3Gs. Don't get me wrong, it is a great piece of technology but Apple is laughing all the way all the way to the bank. Personally I am not an Apple user, but like clockwork, you are seeing 'leaked' pictures of the new iPhone. Oh and of course they did the same thing with the iPad. A huge majority of customers who ran to pick one up early will sell or give it away once the updated version arrives with 3G connectivity and the Apple smile grows even more.
I have been going back and forth from Nokia and Blackberry. Blackberry went from 4.xx to 5.xx in regards to their OS. Now you are getting leaks of 6.xx. As for Nokia, they have enhanced S60 from V3 to V5 and keep working on making V5 a better platform. Then you have Mameo, which is actually a really nice OS but is limited to the Nokia N900.
Windows Mobile.....Well I once hung on to everything they said. Now I really just don't care. Maybe when WinMo 7 arrives and the bugs are worked out, they will level the playing field. Thats just a wait and see scenario.
Palm created a huge amount of buzz with WebOS but the majority of the public was let down.
Every phone works for someone. There is no perfect phone and I dont think there will ever be. Find what works for you and have some fun with it. Voice technology hasn't changed much in 10 years but data has done backflips. I find phones fun and its a huge business.
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