Friday April 23 @ 12:01am

So I am up, can't sleep. The irony is that I want to get high while waiting for a job working in a rehab. I guess this tests my strength. My therapist has me on xanax xr and ambien so I will take something to sleep and try to relax. I got high all my life for a whole list of reasons, mostly anxiety and to calm the voices in my head.

I am also watching the Simpsons. This is a show I have been watching religiously since it began on Tracy Ullman and never stopped. Its hard to believe that a group of people from Harvard write this show, with guests inbetween here and there like Conan O'Brien. It was such a quality show that went downhill but recently it has picked up. I guess with competition like Family Guy, Cleveland Show and South Park they needed to either shape up or just stop, sit back and collect syndication royalties.

I wish people understood addiction more. I really don't care about calling myself a junkie, or if others call me a junkie, its just that its scary that I feel like I will want to get high everyday for the rest of my life. I talk to people in recovery and its scary when people tell me that they have 17 years clean but think about using all the time. I guess you really have to evaluate whats most important. I am sick of being arrested in the past, I hate detox centers, I hate rehabs even more and nothing was worse than a therapeutic community. I am lucky not to be in jail or dead and I should know that, but I don't think about it often enough.

Hmm, let's go on a tangent. I think I am enjoying my new phone, a Nokia X6. I am jaded when it comes to phones. I like the fact that no carrier sells it and I had to buy it unlocked through Nokia directly. I think thats my biggest gripe with the iPhone, they are all the same. I like to change things around, making Windows Mobile the best for that, but until WinMo 7 is fully released, lets stay away from there.

I can't stick on one topic tonight, sorry. My mind is racing and jumping from thought to thought. Where has life gone? I am turning 34 this year and its scary. I know I am not old, but I am not young. I always took the easy way out and now when I work, I work my ass off. I know that one day I will have to work for myself, or have a partner because its difficult to take orders from someone else.

I haven't been watching the NHL or NBA playoffs this year. I should be, especially the Penguins and the Capitals. One of them should end up in the finals, both having the 2 best players in the league. Crosby reminds me of Gretzky while Ovechkin reminds me of Mario Lemieux. Personally, I believe that if Lemieux never had his health issues, he would easily be the best hockey player of all time.

Thats enough rant for tonight, goodnight folks.